box of problems.

i just met with my psychologist and she listened to my complaints about people advertantly ignoring what I need to do to get this housing/apartment in massachusetts. i was in tears while explaining my frustration with the situation. my psychologist asked me what we could do to address the situation and if we could call the housing agency and see if they could move my name down on the list so i'd have time to get the things i need to arrange my services and needs to live there. LUCKILY we got ahold of the (i think) caretaker lady that i wrote down to call with my ics anyway. she was really understanding and said they're working on getting me down a little on the waitlist so it doesn't take another 4-5 years to come up on the list. my psychologist wrote down a list of things i need to arrange and who i need to call to get pca services because that's about the only service i'd require. the lady we spoke to asssumed i needed 24 hour care and then i said, "no.. i only have pca services for 5 hours here."- so my guess is that amy tried to make me seem as vulnerable and helpless as possible so it'd take longer to find the services and seem more unlikely for me, then she said, "OH! good! we have clients here that have pca's for only 5 hours too!" then she must've been looking at some site for service requests from massachusetts because she said, "OH! i see you're on the waitlist for pca services here too!" zen helped put me on the list last week or the week before (i think). so i guess all i need to continue to do is keep my head up. my psychologist said whenever i get negative thoughts about everyone assuming i'll be like my mom- picture putting all those thoughts in a box and putting them away in the back of my closet. i need to keep that in mind because i think that might be the cause of A LOT of my problems. while i was crying, i expressed my fear of turning into EXACTLY what my mom is and my psychologist said, "well.. you could use that as an advantage to you to motivate you to NEVER become what she is." then i said, "i've honestly been doing that since i was in a wheelchair. anytime i come to decisions or think of what i need to do- i always do EXACTLY what my mom WOULDN'T do." then my psychologist said to me, "oh! well just continue to do that then! you've got this down!" i just wish shit worked for me faster though because i'm afraid i'll get so old that people will be anxious to shove me in a damn nursing home to appear as "caring" family members for their convenience and i KNOW if it's up to amanda- THAT'LL BE MY DESTINATION.